Products for Assholes

I don't always try to go for a theme with my product reviews, you know, aside from the whole stupid/useless/WTF thing. But this one worked out pretty well, I must say. Yes...it...worked out well that we live in a society that is so obsessed with the human derriere and the various things that come out of it. And as so many enterprising types know, when the masses reach a consensus, there is almost always an opportunity for moneymaking.

So it makes sense to follow that a few of entrepreneuring types would see the potential in products to ease the burden of sphincter ownership. Maybe one of these brilliant ones will even come up with a way to convert flatulence into fuel, so let's not stop believing in God just yet. In the meantime, I guess we get these moderately useful products to shut the sodding word holes of all the neurotic fuckers who can't deal with bodily functions. Didn't you read Everyone Poops growing up? Come on people.

Flat-D Flatulence Deodorizer Pads

Farts are funny. This is a universal truth. Sure, there are people who will tell you that toilet humor is puerile and uncouth, but to them I say...I know big words like puerile and uncouth, do YOU? Ahem. Anyway, farts. They're fucking funny. They are also a thing of shame for many. Well I suppose it would be an odd character indeed who didn't feel at least a little sheepish at having floated an air biscuit after an unexpected coughing fit, or an ill-advised attempt to relieve the pressure of a pending emergency shit. And then of course there's the established fact that every office has a crop duster; the jackhole who cruises past on his hourly exodus to the snack machine, leaving his essence for all to enjoy. Also he is typically in some position of authority. It's lonely at the top for a reason.

But fret not, cubicle monkeys! The good folks at Flat-D Innovations have got you covered. Or rather, they've got your douchebag co-worker's exhaust pipe covered with their patented flatus-absorbing charcoal pads. Just slap one of these bad boys on your tighty-whities and toot with confidence! Incidentally, while the site indicates that they are 'men's flatulence deodorizers' I assume they are also okay for women to use as well. And I know exactly what you're thinking, so don't even say it. I hate to burst your bubble, but it's true. Women fart. All the friggin' time. Many of us do so proudly. A good robust one can even take a couple inches off the waistline. Blow it out your ass, Weight Watchers. Literally.

So yes, that's the flatulence deodorizer in a nutshell (or would that be buttshell?) Oh and if you don't want to look like a weirdo slapping a strip of charcoal on your ass, Flat-D also offers a chair pad made of the same material. Now you can honk away without disturbing your office mates (don't worry, they'll find something else to hate you for). Also available are oversized pads, for the man whose underpants would make a decent tent in a pinch. There's no doubt in my mind that people have actually bought this thing and that it has sold in respectable numbers, but sales would probably triple if they could find a way to make it soundproof as well.

Comfort Wipe 
 

The poster of this video on YouTube describes it thus: "You'll think this is an SNL spoof, but rest assured it is real. Sad as that is." I have to agree. But just as art imitates life, life at large is becoming more like one big Saturday Night Live sketch every day. And so products like the Comfort Wipe exist. Too bad the smarmy spokeswoman isn't as hot as Tina Fey. "Think about it," our heroine proclaims a little too enthusiastically, "toilet paper is really archaic and DISGUSTING." WTF? Bitch, you ain't seen archaic and disgusting until you've wiped your arse with the Sears and Roebuck catalog. And walked to school 5 miles uphill both ways in a blizzard. Damn kids and their music.
  

Wait, where was I? Oh right. I think trying to fathom this utterly fucked product has killed the last of my precious brain cells. Oh well, they were bound to go sooner or later. But all is not lost. It would seem the caveman days are behind us with the advent of the Comfort Wipe, which improves on the obsolete concept of toilet paper by...having you shove toilet paper into an extendable plastic arm. Oh but wait! The Comfort Wipe extends your reach by a whole 18 inches!  You know, in case you get so fat your ass gets its own area code. Speaking of, check out homeboy at 0:40, extolling the advantages of being a big guy. Tell me again the advantages of being so fucking fat that you need an extendable wand to wipe your ass?  Never mind.  Really, I don't wanna know.

 

Poo~Pourri
  

"Spritz The Bowl Before You Go And No One Else Will Ever Know!" Cute. Also note the tilde there in place of the standard dash, being as they're a fancy lot over there at Poo~Pourri Industries. Pretty cool logo too. Seriously, I want that trumpeting toilet angel as a Christmas tree topper. With some pink flamingo and beer bottle lights to go with it. Class out the ass, yo.
 

Anyway, back on topic, I'm afraid I have to call shenanigans on your little claim there, Poo~Pourri. You see, when something excessively perfumey can be detected in the vicinity of a water closet (Protip: if you're going to be uppity about what goes on in the bathroom, it is imperative to also have a frou-frou euphemism for said room) it is indicative of recent bowel evacuation activity. Everyone knows this. And the inimitable amalgam of flowers and ass that lingers in the air afterwards has been dubbed in vernacular English...you guessed it...'poopourri'. Not exactly the best name for a product that proposes to prevent such an odor in the first place, no?    
  

Ah, but it would seem the makers of Poo~Pourri anticipated this. It seems the product is intended to be sprayed before partaking of sweet, sweet defecation. No aerosol cover-up for you! Well that's what it says on the tin, at least. Not sure exactly how spraying this stuff before you go instead of after will eliminate the aforementioned poopourri issue, but I suppose it's still better than the alternative. You know, growing up and dealing with the fact that SHIT SMELLS. OMG!

 

The Better Marriage Blanket
 

There is so much to work with here I'm about to hyperventilate, but with the Better Marriage Blanket at least I can do so without fear of inhaling flatulence molecules. Now you may be wondering how this blanket proposes to protect your feeble lung tissue from deadly methane particles. Well I'm an inquisitive sort, so I took the time to research what gives this miracle product its amazing properties.
 

I think we can file this one under 'why the fuck didn't I think of that?!' I'd go so far as to say this item sells itself on these merits alone, but don't just take my word for it. Here are some more selling points, straight from the horse's mouth:

A real solution to a very real problem. I love the implication that marriages have been torn asunder by flatulence. And yet homosexuals are the biggest threat to the institution of holy matrimony.

Makes a great wedding or anniversary gift. This thing must be on so many wedding registries, right next to the bread maker and wine glasses. And wine, no doubt, if you're putting a fart-proof blanket on your wedding registry. 

The blanket will not smell bad after use. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something bittersweet about this line. I think it's the sadness in knowing that, with the advent of products such as the Better Marriage Blanket, our children and grandchildren may never know the time-honored courting ritual known as the dutch oven.

So there you go. I've taken the liberty of doing half your Christmas shopping for you, five months early, and I even got your office Secret Santa exchange covered. You're welcome. Also, fun fact: I may or may not have farted at least five times during the writing of this post.