The Five Greatest "To Catch a Predator" moments

I'll confess, I'm a huge fan of watching assholes get their comeuppance. As such, I'm also a huge fan of MSNBC'S "To Catch a Predator". For those not in the know, the show is a hidden camera expose of pedophiles attempting to solicit minors online and being caught in the act.

The stings are conducted by online watchdog group Perverted Justice (whose name I am totally misappropriating for my future band). The PJ volunteers pose as minors aged 13-15, seeking sexual encounters with adult men in chat rooms and on social networking sites. They then invite them to meet in person, at which point the inimitable Chris Hanson proceeds to issue the smackdown.

One would think the would-be kiddie-diddlers would be privy to the show and thus not be willing to risk it, but then again they're not thinking with the head that has eyes (or brains). Every episode is a gold mine of schadenfreude-y goodness, but I have chosen my five favorite TCaP moments to share with you. So why don't you have a seat over there and enjoy as we watch some creeps get the fuck owned right out of them.


#5  A four hour drive for this

In this clip, a 45-year-old truck driver gets busted soliciting a 15-year-old girl. In a stroke of genius he decides to use the defense that his intent was to 'warn her of the dangers of online predators'...like, say, a fortysomething jackanape in a backwards douchecap and scuzzy goatee. And he drove four hours to do so. Of course in the same breath he admits he 'knew this would happen.' Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser.

#4  Do I look stupid to you?

If you like watching dickbags squirm like little bitches, you won't find a better display than this. In this classic clip, 49-year-old Victor Wells is nabbed trying to ply a 12-year-old girl, whom he insists over and over he did not believe when she told him her age, with Wendy's and Mike's Hard Lemonade. A Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, an alcopop, and thou. And they say romance is dead.

#3  Can I see some identification please?

Here we see Rabbi David Keyes, caught in the act of seducing a 13-year-old boy. It would seem, too, that the good rabbi is feeling extra ballsy on this night, seeing as he not only left a date with his girlfriend to tryst with his young friend, but also asks Hanson for his ID. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Hanson replied with 'I'm Chris motherfucking Hanson, bitch' but our hero takes the high road as always and continues to make the hapless yutz wallow in his own crapulence.

#2  'I don't wanna be on the news, dawg'

Well you shoulda thought of that before you went trolling for itty bitty titty, broseph. At least his hat looks better covering his dumbass head like that. Anyone over the age of twelve and/or not named Bazooka Joe who wears their hat sideways sucks so much they should be beaten.

#1  Who's going to walk into a stranger's house naked?

THIS GUY. Saving the best for last, we have what I'm convinced is the Perverted Justice crew's idea of blowing off steam after a long day of busting pedo scumbags. Here we have 29-year-old John Kennely, who claims to be a teacher and/or a school bus driver, walking his happy naked ass into the home of a 14-year-old boy. The look on his face from the outset, even before Hansen walks in, is priceless. The lulz continue unabated as he attempts to soften our hero's heart with gratuitous formalities. He says 'sir' no fewer than eleventy-two times in the first five minutes. But I must say, I think the greater crime here, greater even than soliciting a minor, is that he wore his tube socks with his birthday suit. You just don't have sex with your socks on. I think there's a law against that shit, or if not there really should be.