"Don't you want kids?" "No thanks, I just ate."

I just turned 31 years old. When I look back on my life thus far, "successful" and "fulfilled" are not words that jump readily to mind. Having slogged through my twenties suffering with undiagnosed, untreated mental illness, I waffled on many decisions that would affect the rest of my life and as a result I missed many opportunities. I realize that the window of time to rectify all this will close eventually, and I'm dealing with this to the best of my ability. But there is one major life decision with such a finite timeline that I made years ago with no second thoughts: not having kids.


"Where are your kids? When are you going to have kids? Why aren't you having kids now?" And so on. These are the questions many child-free folks endure from their mid-20's on. The nosy questions and obnoxious commentary are bad enough when an individual would like to have children but is unable to for any variety of reasons, but they're about 100x worse when a person makes this decision voluntarily. I've known since I was a child myself that I would not reproduce. I could barely fucking stand myself at that age, nor was I amused by the antics of children younger than me, so it stood to reason that I would always feel this way. Of course, children tend to make concrete statements about their futures that older folks know to take with a 25 lb. grain of salt, so the remarks of "you'll change your mind when you get older" becomes a stock response to most prophetic statements from the ten-and-under crowd. One of mine involved having a different car for every day of the week. I currently own one car that does not run. So much for that.

My preliminary decision to not spawn remained unwavering throughout my teenage years, my twenties, and still stands to this day. I can deal with the snide remarks and unsolicited opinions, even though I'm very much the kind of person who really resents having my decisions trivialized. Seriously, unless someone is being directly affected by a person's choice, why should they give a shit? That is why I will never understand the people who try to "convince" the child-free-by-choice why they should reconsider. My absolute favorite came to me a few years ago from a (now-ex, thank God) boyfriend. After only a few months of dating he started dropping hints about marriage and children, which was horrifying enough. I told him I didn't think I'd make a good mother. His response? "You didn't think you would graduate from college either, but you did."

WTF?! While it's true that I did struggle quite a bit in college and persevered, I fail to see how an experience that lasts 2-4 years is even remotely analogous to something that lasts 18+ years and requires a great deal more dedication. If you're not doing so hot in school, you can take a sabbatical, or change majors, or in the worst case scenario drop out. If you're foundering as a parent, you can't exactly shove your kid in a box and slap a "Return to sender" label on it. Needless to say the relationship didn't last, but I shudder to think how many similar arguments between couples who are on opposite sides of the fence had very different results. The thought of a couple having children when only one party actually wants to do so is sad and frightening. My philosophy is that if you have to talk someone into doing anything it probably won't happen, and in some cases, probably shouldn't.

I have since learned that there is no reasoning with the unreasonable, so I don't waste my breath when someone wants to rub their pro-kid propaganda in my face. When I'm in a good mood I jokingly respond with "one of me is bad enough". When I am in a bad mood, it's "I'm bipolar and a recovering addict. Care to tell me what about that is conducive to parenthood?" Considering that children more often than not become little carbon copies of their parents, I believe both of these are very valid reasons to remain sans child. The world has enough fucking nutjobs as it is. For that matter, the world has enough people period.

This is why the all-too-common remark "you are a selfish person if you don't have kids" is so baffling and infuriating to me. Excuse me, bastards, but could you explain how a mentally unstable person with no maternal instincts who does not want children is selfish for NOT having them? If you'd pull your goddamn head out of your ass you could see the multitude of unwanted children out there, not to mention the ones who are being set up for failure by parents who did want kids but weren't prepared for the responsibility of having them. Yeah, no lives get ruined when that happens. Ever.

I could go on and on, but it's been done ad nauseum ad infinitum, plus the people who would actually argue with anyone about one of the most significant and personal decisions an individual can make are the ones who are least likely to listen to reason. Granted, I've only heard the "selfish" spiel once in my life, in fifth grade (!) from a girl who would go on to have three (!!) kids by the time we graduated from high school, but there are certainly plenty of adults who should know better throwing it and other pointless arguments around as well.

Although I've spent several paragraphs bitching about the bizarre and outrageous opinions of the pro-reproduction crowd, do know that this does not equate to belittling or criticizing their choice to have children. If you want them and are financially and mentally stable enough to do so, knock yourself out. I'm not one of those folks, and there are many, who go around squawking about how people who have kids are stupid, they don't have a life anymore, they ruined their lives, etc. because that would make me no better than the ass clowns screaming at me that I'm a selfish bitch. It is sometimes a conscious effort, but I respect other people's choices, beliefs, and opinions, and their right to have ones that differ from my own. The only thing I ask in return is that they do the same by me.

That being said, if anyone could be called selfish, it would be those who insist that their beliefs, opinions, lifestyles, etc. are the "right" ones and look down on anyone who disagrees. I'm not just talking about the having kids vs. not having kids debacle either. People are obsessed with the status quo. The notion that there are things we are "supposed" to do as members of society is as old as society itself, and there will always be those who cannot fathom deviating from the norm. I'm reminded of an analogy I heard years ago, during a time when I was in fact despairing over what people may or may not have been thinking about me.

Imagine your life as a giant glass ball. Everyone has a giant glass ball, and their purpose is to carry around the ball and ensure it does not get broken. If you spend all your time worrying about what everyone else is doing with their ball, sooner or later you're going to drop yours. Now you've got a big mess to clean up, and everyone else is happily toddling along with their glass balls, not giving one shit about what happened to yours. This is some pretty important food for thought, but it's especially pertinent for parents since they are, at least for a while, also responsible for the safeguarding of their children's glass ball, as it were.

And that's all she wrote on the subject. I've spent enough time concerning myself with other people's balls. So to all the parents out there, cherish and enjoy your own children rather than worrying about someone else's lack of them. Love them, encourage them, and for the love of God don't raise them to be dicks. The world has more than enough of those as well.