Products for Assholes

I don't always try to go for a theme with my product reviews, you know, aside from the whole stupid/useless/WTF thing. But this one worked out pretty well, I must say. Yes...it...worked out well that we live in a society that is so obsessed with the human derriere and the various things that come out of it. And as so many enterprising types know, when the masses reach a consensus, there is almost always an opportunity for moneymaking.

The Five Greatest "To Catch a Predator" moments

I'll confess, I'm a huge fan of watching assholes get their comeuppance. As such, I'm also a huge fan of MSNBC'S "To Catch a Predator". For those not in the know, the show is a hidden camera expose of pedophiles attempting to solicit minors online and being caught in the act.

No longer silent, but still deadly: The Sound Princess

Anyone who's ever suffered a public restroom knows the anxiety one can experience there. Stall talkers, lack of toilet paper, and the dreaded 'person talking on their cell phone in the stall next to you and you think they're talking to you so you answer them until you realize they're on a cell phone' present a constant hazard and can make relieving oneself an anxiety-ridden task. But communal washrooms present a whole new source of terror for individuals suffering from a shy bladder.

Scream scream scream: The 'Fuck You Comcast' commercial

I know a lot of people dislike Comcast, one of the more onerous cable providers out there today. Most complaints involve sketchy service and incompetent customer service and the like which, as a former Comcast victim customer, I can attest are indeed persistent issues. Since I currently have like $33 in my bank account I'm going to stop before I meet the business end of the Class Action Libel Lawsuit dildo, but that won't stop me from complaining about something else. Specifically, this commercial for Comcast's Xfinity StreamPix.

Show us on the doll: Creepy, weird, and just plain disturbing dolls for children you completely and utterly hate

Dolls are considered by many to be one of an unholy trinity of unnecessarily disturbing things aimed toward children. Clowns and puppets typically take the number two and three spots (though some might argue that ventriloquist dummies deserve an honorable mention) but I'll save those two for another day. Today we are talking about dolls.

As anyone who has followed me on Facebook for any amount of time knows, I have a thing about dolls. Maybe the power of suggestion is particularly strong in this one, but I tend to agree with the many folks out there who find them creepy. Don't get me wrong; there are plenty of dolls out there that are perfectly adorable playthings and attractive, well-crafted collectibles. Nonetheless, it would seem a lot of folks out there in internet land agree there is something unsettling about humanoid objects that can't blink...always watching...watching you sleep...watching you in the can (assuming you keep dolls in the bathroom...you freak). Not cool. So in that spirit, today I would like to show you some dolls. Not just any dolls though...

Fucking Creepy Dolls From the Depths of HELL

Somewhere out there, a therapist is enjoying a new boat. And if I continue making things like the above GIF, mine will be as well.

Gas Station Story

She was fond of a saying her father once used on her as a teenager, if only for the irony: "Only two types of people are out after midnight; cops and hookers. So until you have a badge, your ass will be in this house by 11:59." It was currently 12:17, but she needed cigarettes and the gas station was a block away.

She went out through the bathroom window

Author's Note: The following story is true. Names have been changed to protect the dim-witted. Because if they were fucking stupid enough to lose their clothes then they almost certainly couldn't handle a day in court.

A few summers ago I lived near a little dive bar out in BFE southern Indiana. Those of you who have actually been here can easily picture what kind of place I'm talking about. At any rate it was the only halfway entertaining place for miles and had good drink specials, so sweet. I spent a lot of time over there during the first few months and quickly made friends with the regulars and the employees. I use the term "friends" loosely; most of these guys believed that an awkward boob grab was a suitable greeting. I suspect that paint huffing during pregnancy was endemic in this area, but I digress.