Scream scream scream: The 'Fuck You Comcast' commercial

I know a lot of people dislike Comcast, one of the more onerous cable providers out there today. Most complaints involve sketchy service and incompetent customer service and the like which, as a former Comcast victim customer, I can attest are indeed persistent issues. Since I currently have like $33 in my bank account I'm going to stop before I meet the business end of the Class Action Libel Lawsuit dildo, but that won't stop me from complaining about something else. Specifically, this commercial for Comcast's Xfinity StreamPix.

Sweet merciful crap, there are no words for how much I fucking hate this commercial. I hate an exorbitant amount of TV commercials, more than the average person I'd say, so the day sites like Hulu and GorillaVid came into existence and gave us the gift of limited commercials I was the happiest little malcontent on this godforsaken turd of a planet. Ironically, Xfinity StreamPix offers the same luxury. Whatever, I still hate this piece of shit.

So then, where to begin. Well, there's the song. The music accompanying this spot is the Everly Brothers' "All I Have To Do Is Dream", with altered lyrics, of course. This treacly ditty has never been a personal favorite of mine. I'm also always a little disappointed when advertisers go the cop-out route and misappropriate an existing song rather than attempting an original jingle. But then again I grew up in the 80's-90's, an era that gave us some of the finest commercial jingles of all time. Maybe I'm too old-school for my own good. Or maybe not, considering that I think the atonal crooning comprising the soundtrack to this train wreck sounds the way a hot litterbox smells. But that's just me. I'm the product of a generation that boasts songs about poultry-based sauce among its pop culture treasures, after all.

Okay...deep breaths...whew, that's better. I'm used to being the willfully cantankerous asshole who hates the thing that everybody likes, so this isn't a big deal at all, really. I have learned to take the things in life that make me miserable and turn them in my favor. This usually involves twisting them into something darkly humorous, and it just so happens that this abomination lends itself nicely to this purpose. So since I consider myself a creative sort who can find artistic merit in most things, I present the following theories on what I think is really going on behind the scenes here.

These folks were the victims of botched lobotomies. Protip: when attempting amateur brain surgery, use a fresh hacksaw every time.

This man, bored of his temp job picking up gum and used condoms in the cavemen exhibit at the museum, whiles away downtime with quality Xfinity programming.

"I'll have what he's having."

This laptop went in for repairs a week after this commercial was made. Randy, the hapless new Geek Squad guy, had the awkward task of asking the customer why the keys smelled like fish.

I'll stick with Dish Network. Fuck you very much, Comcast.