I'll confess. I don't understand women AT ALL. While not an uncommon complaint, it is especially peculiar in my case being as I'm a woman myself. Whatever, there are plenty of ways to be nuts. Fortunately none of mine involve any of the products we will be discussing today. In the course of my time-wasting forays on the interwebs I had the (mis)fortune of stumbling across a list of strange "beauty" products, and I shall now review some of them for your reading pleasure. Enjoy...or not.
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: The following article is NSFW. May contain nudity, small parts, and ICP. The Schizophasic will not be held responsible for loss of lunch/job/sanity as a result of reading this article. Use at your own risk. Thank you for your consideration. (read: suck it up, you pansy)
Honey Bare
"Honey Bare Butt Bleach was specially formulated for your sensitive derriere. This 2% hydroquinone blend provides just enough bleaching power to pinken your pucker without burning your browneye." I wish I could say I was responsible for this bit of witty wordplay, but alas. It takes a whole team of bright creative minds to craft a pithy synopsis of such an unfathomable product.
So why the fuck would someone, anyone, wish to bleach their anus, you ask? Well the makers of Honey Bare Butt Bleach are poised to answer this question that no one actually asked. According to their official site, which I'm shocked as hell didn't give my computer more viruses than an eastside Vancouver prostitute, it helps reduce a sign of aging (a poopy cornhole is a sign of aging now? God help us). Not to mention there are "certain positions you might find yourself in that show off your assets".
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| "I say, your anus is looking spiffy today, Mrs. Robinson." |
Again, all of this is straight from the proverbial horse's mouth. They're doing my job for me. Oh wait, I was supposed to review this thing, wasn't I? Well tough shit (no pun intended). I'm not bleaching my asshole for you fuckers, so deal.
Bust Up Gum
I think it is human instinct to want the simplest possible solution to a problem. How do you think snake oil peddlers made such a killing all those years? You know, what time they weren't being tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail. In that spirit, allow me to present Bust Up Gum. Bust Up a "real" product for women (or, I suppose, certain men) that boasts the ability to, in addition to growing "larger, fuller, firmer breasts":
· Improve Circulation
· PMS Relief
· Relieve Menopausal Symptoms
· Increase Vaginal Secretion
· Healthier Hair and Skin
· Reduce Stress
· Look Younger
· End world hunger
· Make it so that one place in the middle of your back you can't reach will never itch again
Okay, I made those last two up. Bust Up is not guaranteed to do either of those things, but it's guaranteed to do a whole hell of a lot, apparently. According to the FAQ on the product's site, the main ingredient is something called Pueraria Mirifica, along with a host of other $50 words that probably translate to "colossal salary grab" or "thing that will turn up a year from now on one of those commercials for lawyers where they encourage you to sue for wrongful death". I'm not personally testing this one either. My boobs are adequate, thx. Unlike men and their johnsons, I'm fairly sure women know when enough is enough.
PantyO
Because TIGHTER IS BETTER (their emphasis, not mine). Alright, I'll buy that. I will not, however, buy this product. Seriously, WTF you guys. It's a pair of panties, with a godawful clown costume print to boot, and a vag-reaming device sewn right into the crotch to violate you all day long.
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| It's the most action some women will ever get. |
In case you don't understand sarcasm (in which case why the frig are you still here?!) I am fully aware of what this product claims to do. It is essentially a Kegel trainer. You know, calisthenics for your tired old va-hoo-hah. It seems regular exercise of the ol' love tunnel keeps it nice and elastic, much like the waistband of the Old Lady Pants you will wear when you're a crazy old cat lady and you're too tired and decrepit to give a damn whether your tires have tread anymore. It also serves to maintain urinary continence (also for your feline-harvesting twilight days).
Ah well, if it sells. A fool and his money are soon yada yada yada. At least the makers of PantyO are in the holiday spirit (or were, in November 2010 - ed.) offering a free Kegel exercise CD with every purchase. I really don't want to know what constitutes Kegel exercise music. I'm guessing it's not Guns 'n Roses, which is unfortunate because I loves me some GnR. I'll take my chances and beg off on testing this one, as well.
Vajazzle
Someone's out there making money on this shit, people. If that doesn't give hope that the economy might improve, nothing will. Unless you're like me and wanted to just shoot yourself and be done with it after seeing this. According to the official site, this practice of tattooing très chic Swarovski crystals onto one's body is not limited to the pubic area, but the name alone could have fooled me.
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| [Insert obligatory juice box joke here] |
As stupid as it seems to want these things anywhere on your body, having them installed as a pube replacement just ups the disturbing factor. If you're into fucking twelve year olds, or at least feeling like you are, find a chick willing to brand a dolphin or some cutesy lips onto her hairless kitty with some shiny pretty things. I might check this one out myself. I'm just gonna go down a couple shots of bleach first.
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